i love you.

- 17

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Uber busy. Haven’t have had the time to update this thingy.

Retdems, exams, case studies, duties, graveyard shift, Laguna - Makati, vice-versa, research work, homeworks, journals, losing my wallet, losing my license, losing sanity.

Yeah. I’m a busy busy busy girl.

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There is no right way to put it. I’ve done one thing wrong, and another one, and another one. They’re piling up, I don’t know what to do, I guess now I’m seriously paying the price.

I’m sorry to everyone who got hurt, got ruined, or got involved. Really, I am. I know sometimes I do not think, and in some ways, I get stuck in situations that I shouldn’t have been stuck in.

People often do think about themselves first – that’s what I learned. They don’t care to what will happen to you, they just care what will happen to themselves. Selfless – I tried to be a hero. I tried to be a good friend who cared, but I guess I wasn’t thinking. Everything has gone wrong, and it’s all because of me. My conscience is eating me alive. This is super wrong, I’m sorry to everyone.

And now, everything is in chaos, as you mingle over the things that had happened over and over again, how hurt you got, how disappointed and enraged you feel towards me, I hope for a millisecond, just for a while, even just for a fraction of a moment; you think about how I’m feeling. You think about me. It wasn’t only MY mistake, it was yours too… it seems that we all are paying the price, but I’m the one who’s suffering the most. Prosecuted without pleading to anything, that’s how I’m feeling. Damn, this is hard.

I feel so hurt that I can’t even begin to explain how it feels.

I gave him up. I gave my boyfriend up, and I did it for myself. Though it hurts me so much to leave him for a while, I needed to do it. I’ve done a terrible thing, and I don’t think it can ever be fixed. I’m afraid of losing his trust, and hurts. It hurts because I’ll definitely lose it once I tell him the truth. And that’s all we have, I’m afraid of losing him.

I don’t deserve anything. And I’m not saying this for anything. I’m not asking for pity, I’m not asking for anything at all. I just don’t think that I deserve anything.

God. More than a year. It’s been more than a year. We’ve been so strong and yet so weak. I’m so sorry. I can’t bear this pain anymore. I can’t be with you knowing that I’ll be the cause of your pain. I love you so much. I’m begging you to wait for me. I’m begging you to not stop loving me. I’m begging you to forgive me. I’m begging you to stay. I just know it won’t happen.

I need peace. I need some time alone. I need my friends to cheer me up. I need alcohol, I need tobacco, I need a vacation. I need… a hug.

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There’s no right way to put it, there’s no justice for what I’ve caused. I am a bad friend. I am a bad lover. I am a bad daughter. I am a bad student. For short, bad ako!!!!!

And I hate it.

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Sooo much had happened since my last entry. My dad went home, and we went back to our hometown, we stayed there until my vacation was over.

Recap

• We stayed for about one week in Laguna, I went out a couple of times; well actually, I went out every day. Haha. What??? It’s nice goin out and seeing your old friends.
• Someone became friends with me.
• Someone stayed with me outside of our house on the eve of my 19th birthday. He didn’t leave until it was 12am. We got eaten by a whole bunch of mosquitoes. He was the first to greet me.
• Someone forgot to greet me on my birthday, I had to call him two times – the first time, he forgot, the second time, I had to remind him.
• He forgot our monthsary.
• Dad went back to China.
• I’m officially a junior student. NRS-3 baby!!!!
• Went out with someone a lot lately. Got into trouble for it. Haha.
• Someone HATES me. He made it V-E-R-Y clear.
• Someone LOVES me. He made it v-e-r-y clear, too.
• My pants are always falling down. Gotta go to the tailor and have them fixed. >_<

This just in!

• Fixed this blog entry. Haha. I didn’t notice that it was like that until for a couple of days. Crap. Haha.

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